Too thick-headed.

[cgbigbird]

Well guys, my testimony is pretty long.... Sorry about that. It's just, a lot of things happened to me before I really realized what I needed.

Here goes nothing..

When I was 3 I started dancing at my dad's cousin Beth's Dance studio in Indiana, I was really close to her, even though around 27 years separated us. Our families went on vacation together to a small Island called Dewess Island [off the coast of South Carolina,] she and i would take walks on the beach and I became her 'Favorite Conch finder' because I could always find whole conch shells on the beach. by the time i was 6, she was my best friend, I told her everything [not that there was much to tell at kindergarten age except 'tony stole my finger paint'... but anyways] I knew I could trust her for my whole life.. Then there was that one day, I heard those heart-piercing words from my mom 'Beth is gone honey, she died this morning.' I guess I really didn't understand then.. I didn't cry as much as you would have thought. That came back to me the past couple of months. for about six weeks straight, I would cry myself to sleep. Just sit and cry at the thought of her name... I guess what really kills me now.. is that i don't know if she was a Christian when she died, I always thought I would get to see her in heaven because she was a good person, but now I know that's not the way to heaven.. and it really scares me!

I went into this rebellious state really fast after she died. I wouldn't do anything anyone asked me i would just say no. I even heard my parents talking about me one night and they referred to me as the 'devil's child.' well when I was 11 I came across some porn on the internet, and started looking at it as much as possible and soon became addicted to it. I got control of myself without any help by the time I was 12. and finally this past February, I re-committed myself to the lord and joined CTF[ChristianTeenForums.com]. for a while everything was okay, but all of my smiles were fake.. most of the laughs were all just cover ups for the emotions I held inside.. ever since Beth died, I never really expressed myself, I just kept all my pain and hurt and happiness to myself. Seldom did/do I share them[emotions.] I started talking on the phone with a member from CTF joshinchrist/mylordsavior a lot. He was the one person I thought it was okay to cry in front of... he just let me cry and told me 'it's okay to cry' even though I never thought it was.

Well, I continued on with that suicidal attitude for months. Keeping a fake smile that everyone thought was genuine. I would cut myself every night, on my thigh, upper arms, and my stomach. I couldn't stop, I was a crazed, out of control maniac. [I still have a ton of scars.]

I did pretty well for about a month, I didn't cut or anything.

Then came August.

Well, last August I found out that I had to have a fourth surgery on my leg. That just ticked me off.. I don't know, I got back into the whole 'cutting' phase. It wasn't good- but it felt good at the time.

I was basically just an idiot. I realize now that I needed God... and I didn't have him. I haven't cut in 42 days. So, I'm getting there. =]

[Gavan Johnson]

hmm srry to hear about what has happned i your life.. however I hope you have and will continue to use it adn learn from the past what to do in the future..